It will come as no surprise to my longtime readers that the number four search term used to find this blog is “dogs pooping” (the top three are variations on “Toronto Canada Map” — BORING!). Of course, my natural reaction to this little bit of information was to ask what it would take for “dogs pooping” to be the number one search term used to find this blog. What would I have to post to make that happen?
So I did what any normal person would do under the circumstances and googled “dogs pooping” to see what comes up. Of course there is the fairly run-of-the-mill “how do I keep my dog from pooping on the rug?” forum kind of stuff, but I quickly realized that OMG YOU GUYS, I HAVE FOUND THE HOLY GRAIL OF DOG POOP ON THE INTERNET. I don’t think I can top what is already out there. I mean, you should probably still be worried because I might try, but I don’t think I can do it.
First off, interwebs, you never cease to amaze me. We have LOLcats and LOLdogs and Fails and FML and Clients from Hell and all kinds of site for user submitted content, but just when I think there is nothing left, you give me this. That’s right, I’m not going to tell you where that link takes you, I’m going to let you discover it for yourself (although I will promise it isn’t graphic and is totally safe for work, although maybe a bit embarrassing if someone walks by while you’re looking at it).
And because of the wonders and magic of technology, we are no longer limited to still photography–OH NO, MY FRIENDS, WE HAVE VIDEO! Now, I’m not the type to spend hours on YouTube seeking out the next viral video so I can say that I saw it first, but I did spend a solid hour perusing the numerous and varied videos of dogs pooping (and wondering who the hell thought to post this stuff–clearly, I am not in their league). This one has to be my favourite (although you have to make it through a good minute and change of bad camerawork to hit the payoff):
I dare you to watch that without quoting Caddyshack.
And then there is this adorable little gem on live television, for which the embed code won’t work–but if you’re still reading this, you know you want to see it! And if you do watch it and can explain to me what that dog is doing there in the first place, that would be awesome.
And finally, for the parents out there, it is never too early to teach your child about being a responsible pet owner.
If you’re grossed out/shocked/offended/put off by this you must be a) new here or b) in the wrong place. I will assume that if you are grossed out/shocked/offended/put off by this you are probably also smart enough to figure out how to solve that problem for yourself, although I will take this opportunity to remind you that one of the great equalizers in life is this: everybody poops. Shakespeare would’ve thought this shit was hilarious.